Personal Time With GG

[green grenades]

Those of you who know me, know I'm not really a person who shares feelings. You will never be able to go back and find a post of me sharing anything personal that is going on in my life. Sure I've had some hard times in my life but I have never shared them on here. I'm a strong person who just keeps marching and never shares how I'm feeling. I am going to talk about something now, and I don't want sympathy, I feel weird when I talk about stuff I'm feeling. Anyways a few months ago my uncle died, it was pretty unexpected and I was the first one notified so I was the bearer of bad news, which is a first for me. I went to the funeral, and I notice I didn't feel anything. I wasn't sad. I wasn't numb, it was just another day for me, and I haven't dwelled much on it. Fast forward to last week, my grandad got cancer last month and he was in the hospital, so I go see him because the doctors say he wasn't going to make it through the week. I go see him tell him I love him and say goodbye. Few days later he dies. So the funeral was over the weekend. We go and I was sort of sad, however I look around and people are devastated, crying their eyes out, and I'm wondering why am I not doing that. Why am I not sad like these people? Don't get me wrong I loved my grand dad, but I just don't understand why I didn't show it, I still haven't. I remember when I was younger when someone died I was in shock, I would go days and just couldn't believe they were gone forever, I remember that feeling, I remember I would think about that person and be awe struck that they are gone and I couldn't believe it. However now when someone passes it doesn't seem to phase me, and I hate that. I was sad when my uncle died and my grandad died, however it wasn't strong like it use to be. As I sit here writing this I debate on whether to post this or not because I don't like laying my cards on the table, it makes me feel weird deep down, almost ill. It's hard for me to show affection, or love, it's hard for me to say I love someone, it makes me feel strange even thinking about that. Does this make me weird? Please tell me someone else out there is like this or maybe and explanation of why I'm this way? Am I a bad person for feeling this way? It's just something that has been on my brain. Don't get me wrong I miss my grandad and I'm sad I'll never see him but I just don't think I feel like I should be feeling. 

[PeeKnuckle]

You're not weird.

 

I find it easier to cope with death when that person who died, lived a full life. I was sad when my grandfather passed fairly recently, but he had a full, rich life. His last years were painful for him and I almost felt like wishing he would pass soon so he wouldn't have to suffer anymore. He was a proud veteran and the look in his eyes all too often were looks of sadness. He didn't want to be in a wheelchair or in bed half the day. He didn't want anyone to have to attend to him.

 

Don't know why you haven't grieved how you felt you needed to grieve. Maybe this is how you do it now. You're not enjoying it. If you were, then I'd say you were weird.

[MrsBadExample]

My grieving process has actually changed over the years. I was more like you before - didn't shed a tear. I'd be profoundly sad inside for a few hours, but I'd quickly recover, and basically get to be the pillar of strength for everyone breaking down around me.

 

When my 'brother' (might as well have been) died, it's like my ability to cope went down the shitter. He didn't die from old age, or have a great long life or anything like my grandparents or great uncles / aunts who had been passing. He was 23. Now I'm a hot mess at funerals. 

 

You don't have to show sadness. My grandparents and relatives passing was sad, yes. However, me not wailing and mourning at their grave, burning sage in effigy doesn't mean I didn't love them any less than those who might.

 

If anything, I'd just say you're emotionally guarded. It means nothing is wrong with you, just means you're not feather-sensitive to events around you. My friend cries at the drop of a hat, I think she's ridiculous. But she thinks I'M ridiculous because I'm not crying with her. Not everyone is going to be on the same scale of empathy.

[PeeKnuckle]

When someone passes on, I always think about what will happen when I pass. I don't want people crying or being miserable for any length of time. Say goodbye and maybe keep me in your thoughts for awhile. Don't cry for me. Live on and enjoy your life.

[ThermoNukePanda]

GG, You know some of what is going on in my life.  Would you mind PM'ing me sometime, or Skype or some shit?  I'd rather not speak to you in general chat.  *hugs*

[MrsBadExample]

I want my urn to be in the corner of a bar somewhere with a sharpie happy face drawn on it while everyone gets shitfaced. That is how it should be at my funeral.

 

I am actually going to put this in my will somewhere.

[Dateranoth]

I feel you on the disconnect of emotions.  I don't really want to think about how many funerals I have been to, but it seems as I've grown older I've grown harder.  Like you said, things just don't phase me as much. I'm not quite as passionate.  I still care about family and friends, but like you, I don't feel the same strong pull.  The fact that you are even questioning yourself is a sign that you're normal.  I have done the same thing at times.  Just because you don't react like everyone else doesn't mean your coping methods are wrong. 

[vectordream]

I feel you on the disconnect of emotions.  I don't really want to think about how many funerals I have been to, but it seems as I've grown older I've grown harder.  Like you said, things just don't phase me as much. I'm not quite as passionate.  I still care about family and friends, but like you, I don't feel the same strong pull.  The fact that you are even questioning yourself is a sign that you're normal.  I have done the same thing at times.  Just because you don't react like everyone else doesn't mean your coping methods are wrong. 

This for me exactly. I don't think I could say it any better.

[vectordream]

When someone passes on, I always think about what will happen when I pass. I don't want people crying or being miserable for any length of time. Say goodbye and maybe keep me in your thoughts for awhile. Don't cry for me. Live on and enjoy your life.

And this!

[Nick]

Sup GG. Long time, no talk. Miss our GTA shenanigans back in the day. 

 

Mourning is completely different for everyone. Here's a little person tidbit from me. 

 

My best friend died in an unexpected car crash on September 4th, 2009. To be honest, this was the first time I've had to deal with a loss of someone close to me. You say when you were younger, you went through the whole shock thing. Extreme sadness, etc. That was me the first time. Some of the hardest days of my life. 

 

Time has gone on and I've had some more unexpected losses and I've learned to cope in different ways. That first time, for my buddy's funeral, I was the one crying at the casket. I was a huge mess. 

 

I've become more like you have explained as more deaths have come. A close uncle of mine died of lung cancer. It was unexpected and while at the funeral, I seemed to be the only one who didn't shed a tear. I was exactly as you described it. Another day in the life.

 

I don't know if you've gone through many deaths from family/friends but it seems like you find the best ways to cope with it as you deal with it. The way you mourn doesn't make you weird at all. Everyone does it differently and everyone does it the way that is best for them. You may have a day where you are reflecting on your uncle or grandad and have a moment. It happens to the best of us. But you also may not. Like I've said, everyone does it differently, especially when it comes to something as unknown as death. 

 

Deal with it in whatever way you feel comfortable and know that there are plenty of us here who are willing to talk about shit like this if you're needing it. 

 

Much love, bro. 

[Avahra]

I don't think there is anything wrong with you.

People handle emotions differently, and I'm sure some big wig would give you some psychological babble about why, however, in the end it probably just boils down to the person.

If this form of grieving works for you, allow it.

 

If it makes you feel better whenever I am super,super upset or hurt (whether it be emotionally or physically)  I fucking laugh. Yeah. I just roll on the floor laughing my fucking ass off. Nobody ever takes me seriously because of it.

[irish66]

Your far from odd man. Each person deals in there own way. When my...grandmother...grandfather..uncles passed..nothing. When my dad died i was sad and happy...he had cancer and his agony was over..but now 13 years later i still break down...not that hes gone but more for guilt...alot of what i shouldas.

[Kevnvek]

I can most certainly understand emotional disconnect, having ADHD and aspergers.  There's nothing wrong with you, as many have said already, everyone deals with things differently.