The Pejorative Panda - October Edition

[ThermoNukePanda]

The new Resident Evil 6 is getting frigging SLAMMED in the reviews today. I don't mean "Oooo, it got an 8 so it must be bad" sort of slammed which is the norm for supposed AAA titles.

I'm talking like ~69 average on Metacritic, with "popular" sites like Joystiq and such giving it a 50/100. Even Gamespot gave it a 4.5.

Yeah, the game sucks, and I knew it was going to happen.

Call me a purist for the series if you want, but back when I was "reviewing" games I absolutely destroyed Resident Evil 5 when I wrote it up. I hated almost everything about it, I loathed the direction the series was taking, and I gave it an equally shitty score to reflect that sentiment. For a genre to completely spin on its own head into a completely different direction, and we're not talking spin-offs for the genre but taking the main franchise itself, was what I felt to be a slap to the face to all loyal fans of RE.

In my mind it's an even bigger and more putrid turd down the throat to Capcom fans than the overlooked Mega Man fans who sit crying in a corner sucking on their thumbs every time Capcom has some HUGE NEWS and it still isn't the sequel they're waiting for, but I digress.

In my March 2009 review of RE5 I wasn't afraid to say that Capcom bastardized the Resident Evil series with their 5th entry "...into a shoot-em-up action game with absolutely no depth whatsoever". My guess is Capcom decided this was a fan-fucking-tastic idea and continued with this trend. The only problem is apparently they made it much worse. How much worse can it get you ask? The answer comes from a website I love to hate, and this opening quote sums it up perfectly.

"Resident Evil 6 is a Michael Bay movie. There's really no more polite a way to put it. Stuffed to the gills with bombastic action segments, car chases, and relentless chaos, Capcom has abandoned any pretense of the survival horror genre and embraced a world of skin-deep Hollywood audacity. Listlessly wallowing in the depthless waters of homogeneity, Resident Evil 6 is a coward of a game, afraid to make its own individual mark in the industry and cravenly subscribing itself to every overplayed trope in the book." - Jim Sterling (aka, blithering idiot most of the time)

So there you have it. Everything you loved about your precious Resident Evil series is gone. Survival-Horror? HELL NAW! Let's make this shiznat as obnoxious as possible! Quick time events EVERYWHERE!!! Over the top cinematics you're forced to watch for way too long!!! Zombies that run and scream, use guns and drive vehicles!!!! Less puzzles and MOAR BULLETS!!! Get this.... let's make the box art look like a giraffe..... GETTING A BLOWJOB!

Am I being too harsh? Probably. That's the point though. I don't write these little articles to poop unicorns and rainbows onto the forums about how much I love something. Whatever fond memories of playing the original Resident Evil on the Playstation, staying up late at night and having friends over for pizza while in high school, lights off, our gazes intently foxused on the 17" CRT television sitting in the bedroom as we struggled to explore that deadly mansion all while avoiding zombies, managing ammo, and sweating bullets as we used the last ink ribbon in our inventory to save the game, are completely flushed down the proverbial toilet. (Yes, that was a ridiculous run-on sentence)

Now? Forget about now. It's not even worth wasting any more words on this junk.

You may ask, "But Panda Man.... are you going to play it?"

Of course I am. I play just about everything. Even the most wretched piles of filth like Rogue Warrior and Turning Point: Fall of Liberty I've forced myself to stomach. Will I buy it? Absolutely not. Capcom isn't getting anymore of my money on this craptastic ridiculous franchise from this Panda. Gamefly it is then, and I'll probably still hate this piece of trash just as much as I expect to.

This is yet another Resident Evil game that I'll be leaving the lights on for, mostly so I can find the trash to throw up into as the waves of disgust pass through me.

[Avahra]

Damn it. I love giraffes. Now i've seen one get a bj

[PaNfOoT]

Yeah, I from the first trailer when it switched over to Chris's campaign and it looked more like a Gears of War/CoD game, I was worried, and then it went to the Jake stuff and I knew it was just gonna be bad awful. I have a lot of problems with RE5, but I still at least somewhat enjoyed it as just a dumb, weird action game(though really only in co-op, the stupid AI partner was the WORST). Hopefully know they just reboot it or at least give it to some other developer to make. After all, it worked out well for Dead Rising 2.

Also, is Capcom trying to piss of it's entire fanbase? Between all the bad RE things(RE6, Operation Raccoon City, movies), all the Megaman stuff(cancelling legends 3, universe, and the only new game coming is a microtransaction based RPG like iphone game), the street fighter x tekkan exclusive characters and on disc dlc, the DMC reboot, dead rising 2: off the record, and really just kinda on disc dlc stuff all around. It's like they are taking lessons from EA.

[PeeKnuckle]

Since when has Sterling worried about being polite?

The PS3 is like Jett Travolta -- beautiful but slow. -Jim Sterling padding pageviews by working up the console fanboys

[ThermoNukePanda]

Since when has Sterling worried about being polite?

The PS3 is like Jett Travolta -- beautiful but slow. -Jim Sterling padding pageviews by working up the console fanboys

Yeah, Sterling pads pageviews with ridiculous troll posts I agree. The ONLY reason I quoted that was because I saw the little blurb on Metacritic and I thought it was the perfect observation in regards to the Michael Bay comment.

The ONLY Resident Evil game I'm even mildly looking forward to is the complete next-gen remake of RE2 which they've been talking about. Lord knows they could fuck that up too.

[ThermoNukePanda]

Damn it. I love giraffes. Now i've seen one get a bj

Uh yeah. I was laughing back when that first came out.

@Pan: Seriously man. Capcom has been really upsetting a lot of their fan base lately. Between the DLC, locked costumes, crappy iOS MegaMan game announcements, and other bullcrap I've begun to lose hope. I think the new DMC reboot looks, um, interesting. I'll wait to pass judgement on that till it comes out. And you're right about the COD/GOW comparisons now. They've raped the series and turned it into something completely different from what it was and into something completely mirrored to other games on the market. It's ruined IMO if they keep up with this.

[Dateranoth]

When they went this route it should have been a spin off. Still, they are bad when compared to shooters too.