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Chp 1 Celebrations

Avahra

By Avahra,
in Literature

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Avahra Newbie

Avahra

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This is the beginning for a short novel I'm hoping to write. It's been plauging me in my sleep so I finally sat down tongiht and started to put to words waht my dreams have been playing out in my head. I plan on posting bits and pieces of it here for you all to read/comment/etc and hopefully if all goes well, I can maybe get a publish out of the final product. Obv, this is a rough draft ( I wrote it last night, and it's 7 am now)

Chapter 1 Celebrations

Realm Of Souls. Harvest Moon

“Celebrate love. It is the breath of your existence and the best of all reasons for living.”

-????

Daylight flirted with the oncoming night. The tendrils of light intertwining with the darkness on the horizon as the sun bid adieu to the land.The sun slowly crept behind the mountains, before winking out of sight, covering the land in a fresh blanket of darkness. The land, however, was not at rest. The sounds of celebration encased the otherwise silent night. The melodic sounds of a bard's song drifted above the sounds of laughter and conversation, carried by the breeze to join the cricket and nightingale chorus. The source of the festivities laid within a garden, dimly lit by soft orbs of floating light and fireflies. The lights cast playful shadows on the revelers below. Men, women and children all dressed in their finest mingled with each other, sharing food and laughter. The children, barefoot and hyper from the consumption of sugary treats chased each other around the garden, laughing and squealing with delight. It wasn't often the children were allowed to stay past dusk, and as such they were taking full advantage of the celebration. The smell of food drifted into the forest bordering the garden and curious animals crept slowly to investigate the source. The celebration went on, it's attendee's unaware of the animals that lurked in the shadows, or the two men that also watched them from behind the brush.

The music of the bard had ceased for a moment, and likewise all conversation had slowly followed suit. The attentive gaze of all the revelers was shifted from their conversational partners to the platform in which the bard stood. He was an older man, his skin wrinkled and weathered by many days of labor in the sun. He had deep blue eyes, endless like the sea's of Addihem. Anyone who gazed into his eyes would see warmth and kindness reflected there, but also have a sense that this man had seen many things pass in his lifetime;great struggles and triumphs,great joys and sorrows, and many stories to be shared. Long gray hair was pulled away from his face and tied at the nape of his neck. Age and time had taken an obvious toll on the man's body, clad in a shimmering emerald green tunic, he stooped over ornately carved cane. The man slowly raised his hand to quiet the remaining chatter. Silence fell over the garden, and a small critter, taking advantage of the guests attention being elsewhere crept slowly from beneath the brush. It was a small creature, black with curled fur and hair that hung into it's eyes;it was often joked that it was a miracle that the creature could even see the world before it. Cricket song had taken over the silence as the creature slowly crept towards a boy near the brush, who held a delicious prize. In the boys hand was a pastry, half eaten as he stared his mouth open at the bard as he began to speak.

“Tomasilvah, aren't you going to be telling us more tales?”

The small boy inquired, his eyes gazing up at the man, who with a huge grin, revealing several missing teeth chuckled.

“Of coure my lad, of course! There are many songs to be told tonight, for tonight is a celebration of the union of two souls.” (etc etc, more to come)

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Avahra Newbie

Avahra

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Thanks :D

I've been roleplaying, and story telling (not in teh sexy way,mind) since I was 12. So I've become progressively better by doing that for so long. I usually just wrote short char bio's/back stories so this will be my first real attempt at something longer than a couple pages (and I've already passed that mark) so we'll see how it goes. I'm excited though, just have to put all my thoughts into words now.

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Super Kev Newbie

Super Kev

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Very good start Av!! . . Reminds me of the beginning of Gaiman's "Stardust" book. You should re-write that first paragraph though .. you seem to have a love affair with the word "THE" .. The tendrils. .. the darkness.. . the sun . . the land . . the sound . .. ect. It gets a little clunky.

You certainly have set the foundations for some good storytelling. Will this be one story or several short stories tied together by the Bard?

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Kevnvek Newbie

Kevnvek

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Well "the" is the most common word in the English language. See there, I've gone and used the word "the" 3 times already. Oh wait, 5. >.<

I don't see a problem with using it. It's only a problem if you start out every sentence the same way, or say the same thing the same way every time. I found myself looking for synonyms for "however", "including", and "such as" for my reviews.

Pretty interesting story so far, Avahra. :)

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Pogre Newbie

Pogre

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Very good start Av!! . . Reminds me of the beginning of Gaiman's "Stardust" book. You should re-write that first paragraph though .. you seem to have a love affair with the word "THE" .. The tendrils. .. the darkness.. . the sun . . the land . . the sound . .. ect. It gets a little clunky.

Geez Kev. I know you like to shoot straight from the hip, and I respect that, but you should get your gun out of the holster before you pull the trigger. :blink:

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Avahra Newbie

Avahra

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haha I don't take offense it's good to see what peopel think so I can change things up a bit. it's still in a rough draft form but knowing that doens't sound right to others helps a huge deal.

And the bard is actually modeled after my late step dad (His name is Tomasilvah Thomas Silva would be my step dad) he was an avid story teller so I thought I'd put him in there as a story teller to honor his life and memory. he's goign to play a huge role in the book, both as a story teller and lore keeper (etc) but you'll have to wait to see how t plays out.

I almost have an entire chapter finished so when I do i'll post it for you all

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Dateranoth Newbie

Dateranoth

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I'm anxious to see more, but may I make a suggestion? Would it be possible for you, and our other writers, to use something like google docs?

http://docs.google.com

http://www.google.com/google-d-s/tour1.html

The forum handles the smaller bits fairly well, but when we get into longer pages the formatting gets pretty hard to manage. With google docs you can upload and then share the link, or with certain people, or remove the sharing at any time. Just a request to make reading easier.

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LGWyant Newbie

LGWyant

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As to critique, Avahra, I agree with you a great deal. As a writer you're generally seeing the events in your imagination and trying to put into words, not really seeing the words themselves. So when you try to check yourself, sometimes your mind automatically fills in missing spaces, without you realizing it. Kinda like that hrvrd stdy thng. you know the one with the missing lettrs.

Anyway my tip is this, get the microsoft word 10, or at least the trial. It helps me immensely with everything from spelling, which i usually do good on anyway, as well as tense, punctuation, antonyms, synonyms, and a slew of other things that anyone but an English major might not know.

P.S. it looks like you, fell in, love with, a particular, punctuation mark. :P

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Dateranoth Newbie

Dateranoth

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I like the idea Dat, but would anyone be able to get into the link, or only the one's that click from here?

Well, if someone was to give out the link then anyone could use it. They wouldn't have to click from here, but on the same hand, Gamercide is publicly viewable and parsed by Google Search. So, if you ever felt like not sharing you can simply make the doc private again.

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Super Kev Newbie

Super Kev

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Geez Kev. I know you like to shoot straight from the hip, and I respect that, but you should get your gun out of the holster before you pull the trigger. :blink:

I don't shoot from the hip I just strap grenades to me and give hugs.. ..and might I point out that Av asked.

Watch your back Poger .. you're 'bout ta get blowed up real good. ;)

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Avahra Newbie

Avahra

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Alright my adoring fans, I tried this google documents thing and I would liek to present you the first chapter in it's entire form

Granted some of my grammar sucks (yay comma's) but I'll have someone who doesn't suck at it fix those for me

Comments/criticism/shitstorms are welcome

Enjoy

Edit: Forgot to add the link

Chapter 1

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Dateranoth Newbie

Dateranoth

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Sorry for just now getting to this. So far so great! I'm really anxious to read more, and I think you are certainly on the right path. The only slight change I would suggest is the break between them leaving the bushes. Valameir leaves the bushes and then at one paragraph it goes back to his brothers perspective. Which is fine, but a double spacing or some sort of other break like you have before Valameir leaves would be welcomed.

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